I Thought I'd Be Further Along

Somewhere along the way, I decided that by this age I’d feel more settled. Not perfect — just steadier. Instead, I found myself questioning things I thought were already decided.

It started with small things. Clothes that suddenly felt wrong on my body. Social plans I cancelled without relief or regret, just neutrality. I felt more sensitive to noise, to other people’s expectations, to my own inner push to keep going the same way I always had.

When I finally heard the word perimenopause, it landed softly, almost with relief. Not because it explained everything, but because it gave shape to the feeling of being in-between. I wasn’t who I used to be, and I wasn’t sure who was emerging yet.

What no one really told me was that this phase isn’t just about hormones — it’s about identity. About noticing what no longer fits and sitting with the discomfort of not rushing to replace it. There are days I feel fragile, and days I feel clearer than I have in years.

I’m learning that this isn’t a detour from my life. It is my life, asking to be lived a little differently. More gently. With fewer apologies.